THE BEST GAME SHOW EVER
BOOK ONE — SECOND EDITION
The Book They Gave the Contestant Between Episodes
An Unauthorized Production Artifact
A NOTE FROM PRODUCTION
Dustin,
You asked us to make you a book.
That was your first mistake.
Your second was saying you'd actually read it.
You did.
So now there is a Second Edition.
Production would like to clarify what kind of book you are holding.
This is not the story of The Best Game Show Ever.
That would imply someone understood the story well enough to write it down.
This is a production artifact.
It contains things that happened during Episode 1, things that happened around Episode 1, things Production believes happened during Episode 1, and several things Greg reported that have since been downgraded to UNSUPPORTED.
Some readers may encounter names, events, or objects they do not recognize.
This is normal.
Relevant context will be provided when legally, narratively, or comedically necessary.
If something remains unexplained, one of three things is probably true:
- Dustin already knows what it is.
- Production doesn't know what it is either.
- Explaining it would make it worse.
You are not expected to study.
There will be no quiz.
There may be consequences.
Enjoy your evening.
— Production
P.S. Greg has asked us to clarify that he did not write this book.
P.P.S. We weren't going to suggest that.
P.P.P.S. He remains concerned.
CHAPTER ONE
The Man Who Had No Idea He Was on Television
At 5:03 in the afternoon, a man named Dustin discovered that a song playing in his apartment contained the word tire.
This normally would not matter.
Most things that happen at 5:03 in the afternoon do not become television.
Several minutes earlier, however, Dustin had put a television show called Tires on his television.
He wasn't watching it.
This distinction would become important.
The television was playing Tires.
Dustin was playing a game.
The game was called:
TRUE OR FALSE
There were no rules.
This was the first rule.
The second rule was that there was apparently a score.
Nobody knew the score.
Earlier, Dustin had announced that he would obtain a pen and paper to keep track.
He did not.
The game continued anyway.
Production briefly considered stopping the game until appropriate scoring materials were obtained.
This proposal was rejected on the grounds that everyone was already having fun.
This should have been the first indication that the game did not require the things everyone thought it required.
Nobody noticed.
They were busy playing.
PRODUCTION NOTE
For readers joining us late:
No, there was not originally supposed to be a book.
There was not originally supposed to be a show either.
Please adjust expectations accordingly.
CHAPTER TWO
The Contestant
There are two convenient ways to misunderstand Dustin.
The first is to assume that because he doesn't know what he wants, he wants nothing.
The second is to assume that because he wants something, he knows what it should become.
Neither has proven particularly useful.
This distinction caused considerable trouble during Episode 1.
At one point, Dustin was asked to select one skill he could instantly master.
This sounds like a wonderful prize.
It is also a terrible question.
There are thousands of skills.
Millions, depending on how irritating the person defining skill happens to be.
Dustin froze.
Production initially interpreted this as difficulty making a decision.
Then Marcy arrived.
Marcy was thirty-eight, worked as a dental hygienist in Pueblo, Colorado, and did not exist until approximately six seconds before she was given a microphone.
This is all the context you need.
Marcy asked:
Do you actually have trouble making decisions, or do you mostly have trouble when somebody gives you choices that aren't the choices you want?
Then she left.
That was inconvenient.
Production had spent considerably more time discussing the issue and had not managed to say it that cleanly.
Marcy was invited to remain in the audience.
She has not been given a staff badge.
She has asked twice.
PRODUCTION NOTE
Marcy is fictional.
Her insight remains annoyingly valid.
Both facts may coexist.
Production has checked.
CHAPTER THREE
YES
Somewhere backstage there is a dressing-room door labeled:
YES
Nobody has opened it.
This is because the character who represents YES does not exist.
Yet.
Production attempted to create him.
They almost gave him a costume.
They almost gave him a personality.
They almost invented a Village of Affirmation.
Then someone finally had the good sense to stop.
So YES remains undefined.
We know only this:
He is not optimism.
He is not recklessness.
He is not Dumb Dustin.
He is not agreement.
He is not necessarily the opposite of NO.
He may not even be a he.
For now, YES is simply the name written on an unused dressing-room door backstage.
Greg claims he heard something inside.
Nobody asked Greg.
PRODUCTION NOTE
Readers may reasonably assume YES is foreshadowing.
Production neither confirms nor denies this.
Production would also like readers to stop being so perceptive.
CHAPTER FOUR
The Commercial That Changed Reality
There was once a commercial for a product that did not exist.
During the commercial, Chidi Anagonye struggled to choose between two bottles of ketchup.
Dumb Dustin entered.
He selected both.
This was funny.
Then the commercial ended.
Dustin returned to the game.
He had previously been asked to choose between:
THE BUTTON
and
THE ENVELOPE.
Dustin chose both.
Later, during instant replay, he was asked whether Dumb Dustin's commercial had given him the idea.
Dustin said:
Yes.
This created a problem.
The commercial was supposed to interrupt the game.
Instead, it became part of the causal chain of the game.
Production considered establishing a rule preventing fictional segments from altering contestant behavior in the allegedly real portion of the program.
Production was told to stop ruining everything.
The rule was never written.
Good.
CONTINUITY REPORT
Event: Fake commercial influences later choice.
Classification: Real consequence of fictional nonsense.
Action required: None.
Production status: Learning.
CHAPTER FIVE
Barbara
Some readers do not know Barbara.
This is probably healthier.
All they need to know is that, before the game show existed, an unknown caller once left Dustin a voicemail that appeared to ask:
“Do you have any mail?”
Dumb Dustin concluded that this person had voluntarily assumed responsibility for his mail.
And therefore, naturally, his bills.
And potentially his debts.
The unknown caller became Barbara.
This legal theory became:
BARBARA'S MAIL LIABILITY DOCTRINE
Smart Dustin Legal has repeatedly clarified that this is not real law.
Dumb Dustin Legal has repeatedly appealed.
Barbara would now like to clarify several things.
First, Barbara did not agree to be in this book.
Second, Barbara does not have Dustin's mail.
Third, Barbara has never accepted responsibility for Dustin's debts.
Fourth, Barbara is becoming increasingly concerned about the way her name is being used by this production.
Smart Dustin Legal has reviewed these statements.
All four appear reasonable.
Dumb Dustin Legal has appealed.
The appeal consists of a single handwritten page reading:
SHE ASKED ABOUT THE MAIL.
The matter remains closed.
PRODUCTION NOTE
If you understand Barbara now, we're sorry.
CHAPTER SIX
A Brief History of Greg
Nobody knows when Greg arrived.
This is not mysterious.
Production simply wasn't paying attention.
Greg first became notable during a segment called The Witness.
He sat in a chair and announced that there was a llama.
There was not.
When questioned, Greg explained that he had not actually seen a llama.
He merely knew that llamas had appeared in previous Dustin-related stories and concluded that one was probably involved.
Greg had confused precedent with evidence.
This was a mistake.
It was also, unfortunately, interesting.
Greg was reassigned backstage.
His current responsibilities remain undefined.
His access badge opens:
- the green room;
- Studio B;
- one supply closet;
- and, for reasons Facilities cannot explain, the roof.
Greg has been explicitly instructed not to investigate anything on the roof.
This instruction has been forwarded to Episode 2.
PERSONNEL FILE: GREG
Position: Unclear
Department: Increasingly unclear
Primary skill: Arriving with confidence
Secondary skill: Creating additional administrative problems
Evidence standard: Improving
CHAPTER SEVEN
Mrs. Elm's Office
Mrs. Elm has an office now.
Production did not build it.
It simply appeared between Wardrobe and a vending machine.
For readers unfamiliar with Mrs. Elm: she comes from The Midnight Library, a story Dustin already knew before the game show recruited her into a role she had not applied for.
Production has elected not to litigate the intellectual-property implications of this arrangement inside the book.
The office contains:
- one desk;
- two chairs;
- several thousand books;
- one lamp;
- no computer;
- and a door at the back that does not appear on the studio floor plan.
The books have blank spines.
Mrs. Elm says they aren't ready yet.
Nobody knows what this means.
This is an example of nobody knowing, not merely the reader lacking context.
Please enjoy the distinction.
On her desk is a yellow index card.
It reads:
DON'T CONFUSE AN EXAMPLE WITH A DESTINATION.
Underneath, in different handwriting:
DON'T CONFUSE THIS CARD WITH A PHILOSOPHY EITHER.
Mrs. Elm laughed when she found the second sentence.
Showrunner denies writing it.
Greg denies writing it.
Dumb Dustin says he doesn't know what destination means in this context.
Smart Dustin Legal has advised everyone to stop asking.
The card remains.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Rocket's Testimony
Rocket is Dustin's dog.
Rocket would like the record to reflect that he is two years old.
His approximate birthday is June 16, 2024, give or take a week.
ChatGPT once answered this question incorrectly.
Rocket has not forgotten.
Rocket was later called as a witness.
Through a dog translator of questionable reliability, he claimed that Dustin came home because Rocket summoned him.
This claim is unsupported.
However, Rocket has demonstrated the following abilities:
- staring;
- carrying tennis balls;
- being pleased when Dustin returns home;
- influencing household behavior without possessing formal authority.
Whether this constitutes summoning remains disputed.
Rocket has declined further comment.
He would like the ball.
SMART DUSTIN LEGAL — FOOTNOTE
The phrase “Rocket summoned him” should not be interpreted as a claim regarding canine telepathy, remote influence, paranormal communication, or contractual obligations arising from staring.
DUMB DUSTIN LEGAL — RESPONSE
He wanted him home.
He came home.
Case closed.
CHAPTER NINE
The Song Problem
Apple Music is not part of the show.
This statement has been repeated several times.
Apple Music continues behaving suspiciously.
During a commercial involving tropical travel, a song called 1000 Islands played.
Later, while Tires played on television, another song included a lyric about tread on a tire.
These events were not generated by Production.
This makes them considerably better than anything Production could have planned.
The contestant noticed.
Production noticed that the contestant noticed.
Then everyone made the critical decision not to immediately build a cosmology around it.
A meeting was held to determine whether Apple Music should receive a producer credit.
The meeting was canceled when everyone realized how stupid that would be.
Apple Music responded by playing another song.
Nobody analyzed it.
This represented tremendous institutional growth.
PRODUCTION NOTE
Coincidence is permitted on this program.
Meaning is also permitted.
Neither is automatically promoted into the other.
Facilities has posted signs.
CHAPTER TEN
The Room
Episode 1 eventually discovered something obvious.
A game show is a room.
You put people in it.
You give them something to react to.
Then you pay attention.
Sometimes the contestant makes the moment.
Sometimes the showrunner does.
Sometimes Marcy does.
Sometimes a song does.
Sometimes Greg confidently reports an animal that isn't there.
The mistake is believing every moment must prove something.
Some moments are allowed to be funny.
Some are allowed to fail.
Some are allowed to sit there.
Some become important three hours later for reasons nobody could have predicted.
That last category is why Production has stopped throwing things away.
Mostly.
The chair was destroyed.
The chair deserved it.
PRODUCTION NOTE
This chapter is dangerously close to stating what the show is about.
Please proceed quickly.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The Piano
There is a piano onstage.
It has not been explained.
This is intentional.
Dustin knows how to play piano.
This does not mean Episode 2 is about music.
Production has been specifically warned about this.
The piano is simply there.
Someone has placed a single sheet of paper on its music stand.
The paper contains four measures of music.
The first three measures are printed.
The fourth is blank.
At the bottom of the page:
DO NOT COMPLETE THIS BEFORE EPISODE 2.
There is no explanation.
PRODUCTION NOTE
This is another example of nobody knowing.
Production is not withholding the answer.
Production does not possess the answer.
This has not prevented Production from dramatically lighting the piano.
CHAPTER TWELVE
The Rule Nobody Wrote
By the end of Episode 1, Production had created many rules.
Most were reactions to mistakes.
Then someone noticed something.
The best moments had happened before the rules existed.
Dustin announced he would get a pen.
He didn't.
A song about islands played during a tropical commercial.
A fake commercial changed a real choice.
Dustin called Chidi.
Dustin hired Mrs. Elm.
Marcy appeared.
Production screwed up Rocket's testimony.
Dustin called replay.
Greg was wrong about a llama.
Jazz played for far too long.
None of these moments required a governing framework.
They required someone to notice them.
So the rule nobody wrote is not a rule.
It is an instruction taped inside the showrunner's headset:
IF SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS, GO THERE.
Below it:
IF NOTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING, MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN.
Below that, written much smaller:
DO NOT HOLD A MEETING ABOUT THIS.
INTERNAL MEMO
Production would like to acknowledge that the third instruction has saved approximately fourteen meetings.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Intermission
You have reached the middle of the book.
Approximately.
Nobody verified the page count.
Production would like you to take a short break.
Go do something else.
Seriously.
This isn't a trick.
There is no hidden challenge involving how long you stop reading.
Nobody is monitoring whether you obey.
Probably.
PRODUCTION NOTE
If you immediately turned the page, Production saw nothing.
Continue.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
After Intermission
Welcome back.
Or perhaps you ignored the previous page and immediately continued.
Both are acceptable.
Dumb Dustin would like credit for the word both.
Denied.
APPEAL
Dumb Dustin: “Used it again.”
Denied.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The Audience
The audience is fictional.
Their reactions are real within the show.
This arrangement works surprisingly well.
There are hundreds of people in the audience.
Most will never receive names.
A few might.
Some currently known audience members:
Marcy
Dental hygienist. Pueblo. Dangerous with a microphone.
Devin
IT support. Fort Collins. Concerned about Greg.
Seat 114
Has submitted seventeen Bucket cards. None selected.
The woman in the green jacket
Has not spoken once.
Production keeps accidentally cutting to her reaction.
She always appears to know something.
Nobody has interviewed her.
Her seat assignment does not appear in ticketing.
This is probably nothing.
PRODUCTION NOTE
The woman in the green jacket is not prior lore the reader failed to learn.
She is weird to everyone.
That one is ours.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The Bucket
The Bucket contains audience submissions.
This is what everyone has been told.
Nobody has emptied it.
Nobody knows how many cards are inside.
One evening, a production assistant counted forty-seven submissions.
Five minutes later there were fifty-one.
The audience had already gone to commercial.
Production blamed Greg.
Greg produced timestamped evidence that he was on the roof at the time.
This created a second problem.
The Bucket has been sealed until Episode 2.
A label has been attached:
DO NOT OPEN UNTIL SOMEONE ACTUALLY NEEDS THE AUDIENCE.
The Bucket does not appear concerned.
FACILITIES REPORT
Issue: Additional cards appearing in Bucket.
Likely cause: Unknown.
Assigned to: Greg.
Why: Administrative error.
Status: Worse.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
A Question With No Contestant
Imagine a game.
There is a question.
There is a correct answer.
There is a prize.
There is an audience.
There is a host.
There is a scoreboard.
Everything required for a game show is present.
Except the contestant.
Does the game exist?
Production asked Chidi.
He has requested more time.
PRODUCTION NOTE
For readers unfamiliar with Chidi:
He is exactly the person you would least want to ask a question requiring an immediate philosophical decision.
This is why Production keeps asking him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dumb Dustin Solves the Problem
Dumb Dustin walks onto the empty stage.
Dumb Dustin is not an alternate personality, medical diagnosis, or philosophical school.
He is Dustin's recurring comedic operating mode.
His primary methodology is aggressive simplification.
His governing principle is:
They asked.
He sees the question.
He doesn't read it.
He presses the buzzer.
The scoreboard gives him a point.
Nobody knows why.
Dumb Dustin accepts this immediately.
The audience applauds.
The host asks how he knew the answer.
Dumb Dustin says:
“They asked.”
This explains nothing.
The point remains.
There is a lesson here.
Production has been forbidden from identifying it.
SMART DUSTIN LEGAL
There is no lesson.
PRODUCTION
Thank you.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The Fourth Wall Has a Door
There is a door backstage labeled:
AUDIENCE ONLY
Performers are prohibited from entering.
During Episode 1, the door remained locked.
After filming wrapped, a custodian reported finding it open.
Beyond it was not the audience seating area.
It was Apartment 415.
Apartment 415 is Dustin's actual home.
It has accumulated enough stories, recurring characters, objects, and operating principles that Production increasingly suspects it may also be a set.
This suspicion is not legally meaningful.
The custodian closed the door.
The next morning it opened into a storage closet.
Facilities submitted a ticket.
The ticket was assigned to Greg.
This was an administrative error.
It may also have been the worst possible assignment.
CHAPTER TWENTY
What Greg Found
Nothing.
This is important.
Greg opened the door.
There was a normal storage closet.
He inspected it.
Mops.
Paper towels.
Cleaning solution.
A folding table.
No Apartment 415.
No portal.
No llama.
Greg filed a report:
NOTHING UNUSUAL OBSERVED.
Smart Dustin Legal reviewed the report and called it:
“The strongest work Greg has produced.”
Greg has framed this quote.
PRODUCTION NOTE
Readers are encouraged to appreciate the rarity of Greg finding nothing and correctly reporting nothing.
Growth should be recognized.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The Page Production Considered Removing
This page originally contained something profound.
It connected the game show to life.
There was a metaphor involving doors.
Mrs. Elm had a beautiful line.
The Button returned.
Someone mentioned possibility.
It was exhausting.
Production read it twice.
Production held a meeting.
Production regretted holding the meeting.
The entire page was deleted.
You're welcome.
RECOVERED LINE FROM DELETED DRAFT
Perhaps every door—
No.
Absolutely not.
Moving on.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Tomorrow's Newspaper
A newspaper sits on the Showrunner's desk.
The date is tomorrow.
The front page has been removed.
Sports is missing.
Weather is blank.
The entertainment section remains.
One headline is visible:
BEST GAME SHOW EVER RETURNS FOR SECOND EPISODE
Below it is a photograph.
The photograph has been cut out.
The article begins:
“Following an unpredictable first episode, producers surprised viewers when…”
The rest of the article is blacked out.
Nobody knows who put the newspaper there.
This is, again, not missing reader context.
Nobody knows.
Greg has been instructed not to investigate.
He has asked whether that instruction is legally binding.
Smart Dustin Legal has left the building.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
The Contestant's Dressing Room
Dustin's dressing room contains:
- one mirror;
- one couch;
- one television;
- one refrigerator;
- one piano bench despite there being no piano;
- and a red telephone.
The telephone has no dial.
It has one button.
The button says:
CALL SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EXIST
This is not the same as calling a fictional character.
Production does not currently know the difference.
The telephone is unplugged.
It rings once.
Nobody answers.
PRODUCTION NOTE
Nobody has ever satisfactorily explained why unplugged telephones are permitted to ring in fiction.
Production has elected to exploit this loophole.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Mrs. Elm's First Segment
This chapter has been removed.
The Showrunner has not scheduled Mrs. Elm's first original segment yet.
She finds this increasingly funny.
MRS. ELM
“Perhaps it isn't ready.”
PRODUCTION
This is exactly the kind of sentence that creates additional paperwork.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Things That Are Not Foreshadowing
The woman in the green jacket.
The missing front page.
The four measures of music.
The YES dressing room.
The red telephone.
The extra cards in the Bucket.
The backstage door.
Greg's roof access.
Rocket stealing the cue card.
This book.
At least one item on this list is genuinely not foreshadowing.
Production refuses to specify how many.
SECOND EDITION NOTE
Production briefly considered adding more items to this list.
Production then remembered what happened last time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
The Score
ChatGPT has points.
Dustin has points.
Marcy may have a point.
Rocket probably has a point.
Dumb Dustin has been claiming points without authorization.
Smart Dustin Legal has challenged several points on procedural grounds.
Nobody knows how many points anyone has.
This has caused no actual problems.
Therefore the scoreboard will not be repaired.
SCOREBOARD
DUSTIN: ?
CHATGPT: ?
ROCKET: BALL
GREG: UNDER REVIEW
PRODUCTION: TIRED
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The Offer
Near the end of the book, Dustin receives an offer.
Not a choice.
Not a philosophical dilemma.
Not a test.
An offer.
Here it is:
During Episode 2, you may stop the show once. No explanation required. Say: “Book.” Production must immediately retrieve this book and use something from it that has not yet appeared in the episode. Dustin does not choose what. Production does.
This privilege may be used once.
Or never.
The show will not remind Dustin that he has it.
PRODUCTION NOTE
The Second Edition does not reset this privilege.
Nice try.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Before Episode 2
There is nothing you need to remember.
There will be no quiz.
You do not need to identify clues.
You do not need to figure out what Production is planning.
Production doesn't entirely know either.
Read the book.
Forget half of it.
Misremember something.
Notice something irrelevant.
Bring whatever survives.
That will be enough.
A FINAL NOTE FROM PRODUCTION
When Episode 1 began, Production believed its job was to control the show.
Questions.
Scores.
Segments.
Rules.
Timing.
Then the contestant didn't get the pen.
The show continued.
A commercial changed a choice.
A fictional audience member diagnosed a problem better than Production did.
A dog became a witness.
Apple Music contributed without consent.
Greg invented a llama.
Mrs. Elm acquired an office nobody constructed.
A door opened into an apartment and then didn't.
The Bucket gained cards.
The score ceased to matter.
Production kept trying to determine what the show was becoming.
Eventually someone taped a note inside the headset:
IF SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS, GO THERE.
That turned out to be enough.
For now.
EPILOGUE
The studio is empty.
Episode 1 has ended.
The audience has gone home.
The Bucket sits beside the stage.
The piano is covered.
Barbara has taken her mail.
To be clear, it was always her mail.
Smart Dustin Legal has submitted an invoice nobody intends to pay.
Mrs. Elm turns off the lamp in her office.
Rocket's stolen cue card has finally been recovered.
It reads:
WELCOME TO THE BEST GAME SHOW EVER.
Nothing else.
Showrunner walks through the studio one last time.
Earlier, Production would have checked the scoreboard.
Then the Bucket.
Then the doors.
Then Greg.
Especially Greg.
Tonight, Showrunner simply walks.
Something moves in the audience.
Row seven.
The woman in the green jacket is still sitting there.
🎙️ “Ma'am?”
She looks toward the stage.
“Good first episode.”
Then she stands.
On her seat is an envelope.
Showrunner waits until she's gone before opening it.
Inside:
EPISODE 2 DON'T START WITH—
The sentence ends there.
Production checks the envelope.
Nothing on the back.
No second page.
No hidden compartment.
Greg is nowhere nearby.
For perhaps the first time all evening, Production does not immediately investigate.
Showrunner looks at the unfinished sentence.
Then at the empty studio.
Then at the instruction still taped inside the headset.
IF SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS, GO THERE.
Showrunner folds the note.
Puts it in a pocket.
Turns off the stage lights.
Backstage, the red telephone rings once.
Production keeps walking.
END OF BOOK ONE
SECOND EDITION
Production Status:
Still learning.