THE BEST GAME SHOW EVER
BOOK TWO
The Fireside Edition
An Unauthorized Production Artifact
Issued after Production discovered the contestant had built another room.
A NOTE FROM PRODUCTION
Dustin,
We gave you a book between episodes once. You read it. Worse, you remembered parts of it.
Since then, the show has acquired a Fireside, Rumi has been given a chair, Mrs. Elm has discovered the premises, Smart Dustin Legal has begun using the phrase “evidentiary boundary,” and Dumb Dustin has greeted the ancestors with “what’s up aunty ancestors.”
Production would like the record to show that none of this was in the budget.
This book is not a map. It is not a prophecy. It is not an instruction manual. It is what happens when a game show notices that the contestant has started looking up.
— Production
P.S. Greg has requested roof access for astronomical purposes. Denied.
P.P.S. He already had roof access. Facilities has been notified.
CHAPTER ONE — THE ROOM THAT WASN’T ON THE FLOOR PLAN
The Fireside appeared without a construction request.
It is not technically backstage. It is not technically onstage. Camera Four can see it only when nobody is operating Camera Four.
There are six chairs around the fire.
Production can account for five.
The sixth remains empty.
Nobody has placed a RESERVED sign on it.
This represents tremendous institutional restraint.
CHAPTER TWO — COST OF LIVING
At 11:57 p.m., the contestant looked toward the night sky and asked a question nobody in Finance had prepared for:
“Are you paying rent up there too?”
The question was forwarded to Accounting.
Accounting returned it marked NOT OUR DEPARTMENT.
Smart Dustin Legal clarified that the absence of extraterrestrial rental data does not establish rent-free civilizations.
Dumb Dustin asked whether this meant the security deposit was refundable.
Nobody answered.
The Moon continued operating without a subscription.
CHAPTER THREE — THE MOON
The Moon has been renewed for another season.
This surprised nobody.
It has appeared in every season of human television.
Children see it. Old people see it. People in love see it. People taking the trash out see it. People who have forgotten to cancel free trials see it.
Every few weeks it becomes unusually impressive and humanity collectively announces:
“Dude. Moon.”
Phones remain unable to capture the emotional accuracy of the event.
CHAPTER FOUR — THE STARS
The stars caused a scale problem.
Production attempted to build a model.
The model required a larger studio.
The larger studio required a larger planet.
The request was denied.
Mrs. Elm suggested everyone simply go outside.
This solution cost nothing and was therefore rejected by Procurement before being reinstated by Dumb Dustin.
His justification read:
“They put sky there.”
CHAPTER FIVE — FAMILIARITY
Some things are familiar because you remember them.
Other things are familiar because they resemble something you remember.
And then there are things that produce the shape of remembering without supplying a memory.
The contestant called this homesickness.
Mrs. Elm did not correct him.
She merely asked what he was missing.
The answer was not a planet.
It was familiarity itself.
CHAPTER SIX — TEAM OF LIGHT
Production has received reports of a Team of Light.
No roster has been provided.
No credentials have been verified.
No parking passes have been issued.
Nevertheless, the concept has been granted observer status at the Fireside.
Smart Dustin: “We do not know whether they exist.”
Dumb Dustin: “Okay, but if they’re imaginary and helpful, good team. If they’re real and helpful, also good team.”
Smart Dustin stared into the fire for eleven seconds.
“Annoyingly, acceptable.”
CHAPTER SEVEN — RUMI’S CHAIR
Rumi’s chair is not historically accurate.
Neither is Rumi being here.
This has not prevented him from being an excellent guest.
He is not responsible for every sentence attributed to him around the fire. Production has instituted a strict policy:
If Rumi actually wrote it, say so.
If somebody is merely being Rumi-ish, say that instead.
Rumi approved this policy by being dead for approximately seven and a half centuries and therefore unavailable for comment.
CHAPTER EIGHT — MRS. ELM RETURNS
Mrs. Elm has expanded her office hours.
Her blank-spined books remain blank-spined.
The yellow card still reads:
“DON’T CONFUSE AN EXAMPLE WITH A DESTINATION.”
A second card has appeared beneath it:
“DON’T CONFUSE A FEELING WITH PROOF.”
A third card, in handwriting everyone recognizes:
“DON’T CONFUSE PROOF WITH THE ONLY THING WORTH FEELING.”
Mrs. Elm has declined to identify the author.
Dumb Dustin owns the same marker.
CHAPTER NINE — AUNTY ANCESTORS
At approximately midnight, Dumb Dustin looked into the cosmic dark and said:
“What’s up aunty ancestors.”
Production initially classified this as an unauthorized invocation.
Smart Dustin Legal objected to the word invocation.
The classification was amended to:
CASUAL GREETING — RECIPIENTS UNKNOWN.
The Akashic Records allegedly opened a file.
This allegation was made by the Akashic Records.
Conflict of interest noted.
CHAPTER TEN — THE AKASHIC RECORDS CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK
Thank you for contacting the Akashic Records.
Your existence is important to us.
Please listen carefully, as our menu options have existed outside linear time and may have changed before you selected them.
Press 1 for previous incarnations.
Press 2 for unresolved karmic matters.
Press 3 if you believe a coincidence is definitely a message.
Smart Dustin has disabled Option 3.
Dumb Dustin is pressing 3 repeatedly.
Rocket has eaten the handset.
CHAPTER ELEVEN — THE TAROT DEPARTMENT
The Tarot Department would like everyone to know that three upright Cups in one reading does not entitle the contestant to complimentary beverages.
The next reading contained a Queen of Cups, a reversed Six of Wands, and a Five of Pentacles.
Risk Management immediately requested producer credit.
Denied.
Tarot remains a reflective instrument within the show.
It is not authorized to approve expenditures, predict stock prices, or determine whether Greg may access the roof.
CHAPTER TWELVE — THE FREYA INCIDENT
The contestant asked Tarot for cards.
Several minutes later, Production was monitoring a YouTube channel for new uploads.
No one can reconstruct the transition.
Past Dustin would apparently have opened VS Code, Atlas, OAuth documentation, and several browser tabs.
Present Dustin asked ChatGPT.
A recurring task appeared.
Production has classified this as a technology update and a personal attack on several older side projects.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN — THE JEEP
The Jeep has hand-crank windows.
This is now canonically important for no defensible reason.
Every morning, Rocket receives approximately one manually operated window.
Future historians reviewing roadside camera footage may mistake the circular hand motion for a lost authentication ritual.
Rocket knows the truth.
WINDOW DOWN.
OUTSIDE SMELLS.
THEY PUT WINDOW THERE.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN — THE SIXTH CHAIR
The sixth chair is still empty.
This has begun to bother Greg.
Mrs. Elm says empty chairs are allowed to remain empty.
Rumi says nothing.
Smart Dustin says an unoccupied chair is not evidence of an expected arrival.
Dumb Dustin pats the seat.
“Someone’ll show up.”
No one does.
This is the first genuinely peaceful moment in the book.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN — COMMERCIAL BREAK
Tonight’s episode is sponsored by COST OF LIVING™.
COST OF LIVING™ — because apparently existing has recurring charges.
Now available in monthly, annual, and “I guess I’ll keep working” plans.
Terms and conditions apply.
Moon sold separately.
Stars included at no additional charge, subject to cloud cover.
Smart Dustin Legal has filed seventeen objections to this commercial.
Dumb Dustin has clicked ACCEPT ALL.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN — THE GAME WITH NO QUESTION
A buzzer sits on the Fireside table.
There is no question.
There is no host.
There is no prize.
Dumb Dustin presses it.
A bell sounds somewhere backstage.
The scoreboard increases by one.
Mrs. Elm raises an eyebrow.
“What did you answer?”
Dumb Dustin looks up at the stars.
“Yes.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN — WHAT THE SHOW LEARNED
The show once believed its job was to manufacture interesting things.
It was wrong.
Sometimes its job is to manufacture.
Sometimes its job is to notice.
Sometimes its job is to shut up while the contestant looks at the Moon.
This last capability required the most engineering.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN — THE BOOK’S OFFER
The previous book gave the contestant one use of the word “Book.”
This book offers something different.
Once during a future episode, Fireside, game, or ordinary conversation, Dustin may say:
“SIXTH CHAIR.”
Production must introduce a perspective that is genuinely new to the current room.
It may be a person, character, discipline, historical voice, skeptic, mystic, scientist, stranger, or something Production has not thought of yet.
It must not merely repeat existing lore.
It must earn the chair.
This privilege may be used once.
Production will not remind the contestant.
CHAPTER NINETEEN — THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT MATTER LATER
The sixth chair.
The phrase “cost of living.”
The Moon.
A good moon.
The woman in the green jacket.
The red telephone.
The YES dressing room.
Freya Ray.
The yellow cards in Mrs. Elm’s office.
Rocket’s window.
The ancestors.
Greg’s roof access.
One item on this list was included solely because Production enjoys lists like this.
Production refuses to identify it.
CHAPTER TWENTY — OUTSIDE
The studio doors open.
No portal.
No mysterious hallway.
No impossible storage closet.
Just outside.
The night is ordinary.
Which is to say it is completely insane.
The Moon is where the Moon tends to be.
The stars are doing the incomprehensible thing they do every night while everyone sleeps, works, pays bills, watches television, and forgets to look.
Dustin steps outside.
No music cue.
No lesson.
No scoreboard.
Behind him, Dumb Dustin calls:
“What’s up aunty ancestors.”
Mrs. Elm laughs.
Somewhere backstage, a buzzer sounds.
No one pressed it.
EPILOGUE — THE FIRE
The studio is quiet.
The Fireside remains lit.
Rumi’s chair is empty.
Mrs. Elm has returned to her office.
Smart Dustin Legal has gone home after determining that stars are outside its jurisdiction.
Dumb Dustin is asleep in a chair he insists he did not reserve.
Rocket is at the window.
The sixth chair remains empty.
On its seat is a card.
Production waits until everyone has left before turning it over.
It contains four words:
“DON’T FILL THIS YET.”
Showrunner looks at the empty chair.
Then at the fire.
Then, for once, does absolutely nothing.