THE UNCLAIMED ASSETS OF DUMB DUSTIN
Book One: The Man Who Was Everywhere and Never Left Home
A novel in questionable travel arrangements.
By The House 🏠
Chapter One
Charlotte Knows Something
On September 10, at precisely 3:04 in the afternoon, Charlotte called to thank Dustin for his vacation.
This was unusual.
Dustin hadn't been on vacation.
He'd been home.
He'd done some laundry.
He'd made dinner.
He'd stared at a traffic light for nine minutes.
But Charlotte seemed quite certain.
"Thank you for your recent vacation with Hilton, Wyndham, Marriott, or one of our other travel resorts."
Dustin listened to the message twice.
Then a third time.
"Well, that's nice."
He opened his calendar.
There was no vacation.
He checked his bank account.
There was no vacation.
He looked at Rocket.
"Did we go somewhere?"
Rocket wagged his tail.
"That's what I thought."
Dustin decided Charlotte probably knew what she was talking about.
After all, she worked at the Orlando Promotions Office.
He'd never heard of the Orlando Promotions Office.
But Orlando was a real place.
And offices were real.
So the story checked out.
He wrote a note.
September 10: Apparently went on vacation. Charlotte pleased.
Then he made dinner.
Chapter Two
Tiffany Has Some Concerns
Twenty-nine days later, Tiffany called.
Tiffany worked in Resort Fulfillment.
She was not pleased.
According to Tiffany, Dustin had purchased a vacation package and failed to use it.
They'd tried reaching him multiple times.
They'd been unsuccessful.
Their partners had graciously agreed to extend the offer one final time.
Dustin frowned.
"Wait."
He opened his notes.
September 10: Apparently went on vacation. Charlotte pleased.
He looked at Tiffany's voicemail.
Apparently, he had not gone on vacation.
"Oh, shit."
He considered the possibilities.
Perhaps Charlotte had been thanking him in advance.
Perhaps he had gone on vacation but forgotten.
Perhaps there were two vacations.
He liked the third possibility.
He wrote:
October 9: Second vacation discovered. Tiffany upset.
He decided to sort everything out later.
He had a busy afternoon.
Chapter Three
Bonnie Has Excellent News
Two hours later, Bonnie called.
Bonnie worked at the Orlando Promotion Center.
Not the Orlando Promotions Office.
A different organization entirely.
Probably.
Bonnie wanted to personally thank Dustin for his recent vacation.
"SEE!"
Dustin pointed at his phone.
"I TOLD YOU I WENT!"
Rocket looked up.
Bonnie continued.
As a reward for his recent travels, Dustin had been selected to receive a complimentary luxury cruise for two aboard the Margaritaville at Sea Islander.
Cabin included.
Meals included.
Entertainment included.
Eighteen months to redeem.
Dustin sat down.
This was getting serious.
He now had:
One vacation Charlotte said he'd taken.
One vacation Tiffany said he hadn't taken.
And one cruise Bonnie said he'd earned by taking a vacation.
He began drawing a diagram.
At the top he wrote:
VACATION ONE → VACATION TWO → BOAT
Then he remembered Emma.
Emma had called in August.
She had mentioned travel credits.
Possibly cruises.
Possibly Orlando.
Possibly Las Vegas.
Dustin added Emma to the diagram.
Then he remembered Barbara.
Barbara had asked if he had any mail.
He hadn't heard from Barbara since.
He added her too.
EMMA → CHARLOTTE → TIFFANY → BONNIE → BOAT
BARBARA → MAIL
He stared at the diagram.
Something was missing.
He drew a line from MAIL to BOAT.
"There."
Much better.
Chapter Four
The Emergency Meeting
At 9:03 on the morning of October 15, Tanya called.
Tanya also worked in Resort Fulfillment.
Her message was urgent.
Dustin had purchased a vacation package.
He had failed to use it.
They had tried reaching him multiple times.
The offer had been extended.
One.
Final.
Time.
Dustin looked at his calendar.
Then at the notes.
Then at Rocket.
"Okay. We need a meeting."
He placed four chairs around the dining table.
One for Emma.
One for Charlotte.
One for Tiffany.
One for Bonnie.
He retrieved a fifth chair.
Tanya.
He stood at the head of the table.
"Thank you all for coming."
Rocket sat down.
"First item of business. Charlotte says I went on vacation."
He pointed to the empty chair.
"Thank you, Charlotte."
"Second. Tiffany says I did not go on vacation."
He turned.
"Tiffany, that's concerning."
"Third. Bonnie says I went on vacation AND won a cruise."
He nodded respectfully.
"Bonnie, outstanding work."
"Fourth. Tanya says I'm about to lose a vacation."
He sighed.
"Tanya, we've been over this."
He took a sip of coffee.
"Now, ladies. I only have one question."
He looked around the table.
"CAN I COMBINE THEM?"
Silence.
Rocket sneezed.
"Excellent. We'll circle back."
Chapter Five
Barbara Has the Documents
Nobody knew exactly when Barbara became involved.
It began with a voicemail.
"Do you have any mail?"
A simple question.
But according to Barbara's Mail Liability Doctrine, asking about another person's mail constituted voluntary assumption of responsibility for its contents.
Dustin had accepted this arrangement immediately.
It had simplified his life considerably.
Electric bill?
Barbara.
Insurance renewal?
Barbara.
Jury summons?
Barbara.
He hadn't paid much attention to the finer points of the agreement.
But as his vacation portfolio expanded, a new problem emerged.
He needed documentation.
Where were his tickets?
Where were the hotel confirmations?
Where was the Margaritaville cruise itinerary?
He looked at the pile of unopened envelopes.
"Barbara."
He shook his head.
"Barbara, Barbara, Barbara."
He picked up his phone.
Then stopped.
He didn't have Barbara's number.
She had asked about the mail.
She had never supplied instructions for transferring it.
Dustin considered this an administrative oversight.
He wrote:
ACTION ITEM: Barbara to provide forwarding address for international cruise correspondence.
Then he marked it urgent.
Chapter Six
The Department of Vacations Already Taken
Somewhere in Orlando, in a fictional office building that may or may not exist, five women sat around a conference table.
Emma opened the meeting.
"Okay. We have a situation."
Charlotte nodded.
"He already went."
Tiffany shook her head.
"He absolutely did not."
Bonnie looked confused.
"I already gave him the cruise."
Tanya slammed a folder on the table.
"WE EXTENDED HIS PACKAGE."
Emma sighed.
"Again?"
"ONE FINAL TIME."
Bonnie raised her hand.
"Which vacation are we discussing?"
Silence.
Charlotte opened her laptop.
"According to our records, he's stayed at Hilton, Wyndham, Marriott, or one of our other partner resorts."
"Which one?" asked Tiffany.
Charlotte looked at the screen.
"Yes."
Tanya rubbed her temples.
"Does anybody know where this man is?"
Emma checked the database.
"Castle Rock, Colorado."
"What's he doing there?"
Emma scrolled.
"Apparently watching a traffic light."
Bonnie frowned.
"For how long?"
"Nine minutes."
Another silence.
Then Charlotte whispered:
"Should we offer him another vacation?"
Everyone nodded.
Chapter Seven
Final Notice
That evening, Dustin sat at his piano.
He'd had a productive day.
He had discovered three additional vacations, attended an emergency meeting, and initiated an international mail investigation.
His phone buzzed.
Unknown caller.
He smiled.
"Another one?"
He let it go to voicemail.
He was playing something pretty.
Besides, he had decided something important.
He wasn't going to chase these vacations anymore.
If the resorts wanted him badly enough, they knew where to find him.
He looked at Rocket.
"Buddy, I think we're doing pretty well."
Rocket stretched out on the floor.
Dustin returned to the piano.
And somewhere, in the deepest recesses of the Orlando Fulfillment Department, a computer generated another notification.
CUSTOMER STATUS: VACATION INCOMPLETE
PREVIOUS VACATION: CONFIRMED
CRUISE: AWARDED
MAIL: BARBARA
CUSTOMER RESPONSE: NONE
RECOMMENDED ACTION: EXTEND OFFER ONE FINAL TIME
A printer started.
A phone rang.
And a woman named Jennifer picked up the receiver.
"Hi, this is Jennifer calling from the Resort Fulfillment Department..."
EPILOGUE
Apartment 415.
Dustin was asleep.
Rocket was asleep.
The phone was charging.
Seventy-three voicemails remained unheard.
And somewhere in America, an automated system made a remarkable discovery.
DUSTIN BRAUN WAS ELIGIBLE FOR A FREE VACATION.
Again.
THE END.
For now.